You guys can do event changes and spell checks.
Working on the story-line rewrite.
You forgot the part where he asspulled information about The Warband.
Quote from: Maxi96203 on 03-03-2012
You forgot the part where he asspulled information about The Warband.
I 'like' how your bringing old canon here.
Meh.
Quote from: halokiller38 on 03-03-2012
Quote from: Maxi96203 on 03-03-2012
You forgot the part where he asspulled information about The Warband.
I 'like' how your bringing old canon here.
I 'love' how you're still trying to cover the fact that it happened.
ON TOPIC:
Boring story, 3/10. 3/10.
Quote from: Maxi96203 on 04-03-2012
Quote from: halokiller38 on 03-03-2012
Quote from: Maxi96203 on 03-03-2012
You forgot the part where he asspulled information about The Warband.
I 'like' how your bringing old canon here.
I 'love' how you're still trying to cover the fact that it happened.
ON TOPIC:
Boring story, 3/10. 3/10.
I 'think' your just trolling.
Quote from: halokiller38 on 04-03-2012
Quote from: Maxi96203 on 04-03-2012
Quote from: halokiller38 on 03-03-2012
Quote from: Maxi96203 on 03-03-2012
You forgot the part where he asspulled information about The Warband.
I 'like' how your bringing old canon here.
I 'love' how you're still trying to cover the fact that it happened.
ON TOPIC:
Boring story, 3/10. 3/10.
I 'think' your just trolling.
I think he's providing
constructive critique.
This backstory is really bad and I'm not usually that blunt or as much of an asshole about it, but it needs to be said... You've not only somehow appeared on the west coast, you've stepped into a time machine and gone back about forty years. James Harper isn't even a fetus right now. James Harper isn't even a developed egg in her mother's ovaries, because his MOTHER is still a baby. So's his dad. Also his dad is NCR? NCR doesn't even get past the California border at this point in history. In fact they NEVER reach the east coast, so that part of your story is completely impossible. NCR barely even owns a fraction of California for that matter at this time! There's also inconsistencies in your post with your own story.
QuoteAfter 20 years he and James met up in The Armargosa Valley. Sean soon switched his last name to Harper. (Was just some extra info) James mother was a trader for Arlington Company and she was very good at bartering. She usually worked all morning. One day, when James was 13, she started getting depressed since Peter died from a stroke. She moved slowly as if she was an old lady who was frail and pale. One day, after a few months of depression, she saw a line at her stall, even though she hasn't opened her stall in the last three days. She ran up behind the counter and stopped abruptly. She saw 13 year old James selling the supplies. She even noticed the cash box was overly stuffed. She talked to James and for the first time in several months... She smiled.
Wait, what? He's 20, now he's 13? I think you just screwed up writing it, but that's at least fixable. Re-read your work and you'll spot errors like this easily.
Your character however is
extremely cliché and overdone. Absolutely
everyone makes their first crappy characters with some shitty background story with some parents dying. It's overdone. It's cliché. It's boring.
I did it too. We all did at one point. My first character was a pilot/mercenary named Ace whose parents died in a war and grew up an orphan. The character evolved over time, but was limited by that problem. Eventually I just stopped using him.
Also your mother dies in one chapter and is suddenly back in another.
Here's my advice:
COMPLETELY scrap James Harper. Erase him from existence. Make a new character. Don't do the dead parents crap. It's boring, and it limits your character severely as a bland character. Don't put any overpowered history either like no epic marksman skills or superhuman abilities. No mutant hunting crap. No super mercenary stuff. No trader god. Make an AVERAGE PERSON and develop off of that. Take for example my SRP character Dimitri Voyla. When I created him, sure there's a little tragedy in that his father was in Pripyat, but no one died. His parents are alive and well. He had no siblings who died (in Voyla's case he just had no siblings). He had absolutely nothing extreme about him except he LOVES to explore. Nothing more, nothing less! And it has led to a beloved character.
Nuke Harper. Make a new character entirely. Start over. You'll thank me one day.
I will not be removing James Harper. But I will rewrite. I did write this in class over a day Or so. Thank you for the criticism.
I could tell you how I make new characters for RPs. Not sure how well it would work for you, but it works pretty well for me.
Quote from: halokiller38 on 07-03-2012
I will not be removing James Harper. But I will rewrite. I did write this in class over a day Or so. Thank you for the criticism.
Well that works too. Just do some
serious overhauling, and do it when you can sit down and focus on the story. It'll make more sense. I can tell you were distracted when writing this.
Quote from: Spades_Neil on 07-03-2012
Quote from: halokiller38 on 07-03-2012
I will not be removing James Harper. But I will rewrite. I did write this in class over a day Or so. Thank you for the criticism.
Well that works too. Just do some serious overhauling, and do it when you can sit down and focus on the story. It'll make more sense. I can tell you were distracted when writing this.
Ya. ANy special pointers will help. Prob gonna rewrite this weekend, when I got the time.
QuoteThis backstory is really bad and I'm not usually that blunt or as much of an asshole about it, but it needs to be said... You've not only somehow appeared on the west coast, you've stepped into a time machine and gone back about forty years. James Harper isn't even a fetus right now. James Harper isn't even a developed egg in her mother's ovaries, because his MOTHER is still a baby. So's his dad. Also his dad is NCR? NCR doesn't even get past the California border at this point in history. In fact they NEVER reach the east coast, so that part of your story is completely impossible. NCR barely even owns a fraction of California for that matter at this time! There's also inconsistencies in your post with your own story.
Well lets see. I had him as a NCR cause there aren't really any good factions other than the BoS and Enclave. (No offense). The Brotherhood is cliche and Enclave just seems fucked up. And Vault 10 would be the dumbest thing that ever lived. The reason I want to continue James Harper because he is someone I have acted with for over 3 months(Since apparently people can just make fake bounties). And like you said, we can recreate them as long as we can edit it through the story-line. And that's what I did.
QuoteAfter 20 years he and James met up in The Armargosa Valley. Sean soon switched his last name to Harper. (Was just some extra info)
QuoteWait, what? He's 20, now he's 13? I think you just screwed up writing it, but that's at least fixable. Re-read your work and you'll spot errors like this easily.
(Was just some extra info) QuoteAlso your mother dies in one chapter and is suddenly back in another.
It said father died. Mother was just sad and ill of depression.
QuoteI could tell you how I make new characters for RPs. Not sure how well it would work for you, but it works pretty well for me.
Do tell.
Quote from: halokiller38 on 07-03-2012
Well lets see. I had him as a NCR cause there aren't really any good factions other than the BoS and Enclave. (No offense). The Brotherhood is cliche and Enclave just seems fucked up. And Vault 10 would be the dumbest thing that ever lived.
This has just made my day.
I feel sorry for Spades.
Quote from: halokiller38 on 07-03-2012
Well lets see. I had him as a NCR cause there aren't really any good factions other than the BoS and Enclave. (No offense). The Brotherhood is cliche and Enclave just seems fucked up. And Vault 10 would be the dumbest thing that ever lived.
Heheh. Wait until you see Fallout 2's factions. And truly, how can you call Vault 10 dumb when you have zero experience with it?
But this is irrelevant. Just don't embed his backstory in any faction. That
alone is cliché and overdone. Everyone wants to be l33t ex NCR / BOS / Enclave / Vault Dweller with teh shineiz pipboy. Just, don't. It's quite pointless. Like I said before, make him a wastelander through and through. Nothing special, nothing spectacular, except one or two little quirks to start with. Maybe an addiction to Nuka Cola? (Although that'd be cliché too, it'd be less so and easier to develop off of.)
For James Harper, here's an idea. Now there's a tiny little sharecropper farm on the outpost. If you can hold true to this and you can passive roleplay (which unfortunately less and less people can do), then say you came out this way merely to help out on the farm. No tragedy, no silliness, no uber l33t ninja, no uber l33t rambo, no uber l33t lone wandururz. Just a job from the NCR that would be commonplace at this time of history. Let your character develop from there.
Spades. That is boring.
If I embed a faction in a backstory I ask the leader of the faction first.
Most of the time though I don't plan a character out. I usually find a name, figure out what the person is going to be doing, and RP a characterization of that role. Most of the other backstory elements I make up as I go along.
I never, EVER write down a backstory and I never EVER post any backstories on the forums. If I do post anything character related its in relation to things that have happened server side. Like Thomas Wainscotts PDA log. . . all that shit was IC.
Quote from: Tom on 09-03-2012
Spades. That is boring.
If I embed a faction in a backstory I ask the leader of the faction first.
Most of the time though I don't plan a character out. I usually find a name, figure out what the person is going to be doing, and RP a characterization of that role. Most of the other backstory elements I make up as I go along.
I never, EVER write down a backstory and I never EVER post any backstories on the forums. If I do post anything character related its in relation to things that have happened server side. Like Thomas Wainscotts PDA log. . . all that shit was IC.
Ya this sounds like a better idea.