Grotesque Jokes

[Judas]

You are not allowed to go look up jokes. these must be ones you have actually heard. They must also be extremly morbid


Examples:

Whats Purple, bloated, and wont stop squealing? A skinned baby in a tub of salt.


Share your favorite morbid jokes here.

[Leni]

What about gross but not morbid? I have a good one o.o

[mrd]

There are two muffins in a oven, one muffin says to the other muffin "Wow it is getting hot in here!" the other one says "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!"

[mrd]

A plane is crashing and their are 5 people on board, and only 4 parachutes. One of them is a boyscout, a priest, a doctor, a firefighter, and a politician.
The politician grabs one and says "I am way more important and smarter than any of you!" and jumps out of the plane. The firefigher and doctor both grab one and jump out saying "We save peoples lives!" The priest looks to the boyscout and says, go ahead and says "Go ahead and take the last one, I have lived a long and good life, you have your still ahead of you." The boyscout looks at the priest and says "There are 2 parachutes, the politician didn't grab a parachute, he grabbed my backpack."

[mrd]

A little boy was told by his Mom never to go down Sailor Lane. But one day he rides his bike down the lane and then turns back home. He walked up to his Mom and asked "Mom what does fuck mean?" she said "Fuck means um...Your Dad and I are working." The boy goes back to Sailor Lane the next day, and comes back and asks "Mom, what does bitch and bastard mean?" she said "Bitch and bastard mean your um...brother and sister!" Again, the the boy goes back down Sailor Lane. He comes back and asks "Mom, what does asshole mean?" she says "Asshole means grandpa."

So one day the little boy's grandpa came for a visit and the little boy answered the door and said to his grandpa

"Hey asshole, bitch and bastard are watching TV and Mom and Dad are fucking upstairs!"

[mrd]

How do you stop a nigger from drowning?

You don't.

[mrd]

How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?

Nail its other hand to the floor.

[mrd]

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?

With a blender!

[mrd]

How do you get them out again?

With tortilla chips!!!

[mrd]

What do you get when you dislocate a dead baby's jaw?

Deep Throat.

[mrd]

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says

[mrd]

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old geezer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the geezer and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... but since you remind me of myself at your age, I will tell you."

The boy listened curiously as the geezer explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'Holy shit! I've caught a whale!'"

"No kidding?" pried the boy. The geezer continued, "But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."

"And?" interjected the boy. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"

[mrd]

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"