My writing

Started by D33tly, 04-12-2012

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

D33tly

Hey, i've been writing a story recently, due to me being bored in class. Just want other peoples opinions. and by opinions I mean constructive criticismA.K.A. No It's bad, you should feel bad, go kill yourself. More like "It's bad because of horrible grammar, spelling, and in continuity.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

   I woke to my alarm, and slowly rose from bed. I slammed down on my alarm clock, and it was silent. I got up, and walked over to my lamp, turning it on. Yawning, I went to the bathroom and started to heat some water for a shower. I sighed, just another boring day in the grind.

   After I finished showering, as well as other toiletries, I went to my closet. I picked out some clothes for the day, and began to dress myself. It was not a moment to soon either, for not a minute after I finished with my last button and grabbed my wallet, a siren went off. I looked to my alarm first, then heard it was a distinct siren. It was a warning for an approaching air raid!

   I ran to my front door, and unlocked it, and hurriedly went outside. Slamming the door behind me, not bothering to lock it, I ran downstairs and pushed open the door. The sunlight blinded me for a moment, and then I saw the havoc in the streets. Everyone was running towards the designated bombing shelter for this part of the city.

   I turned and began to run with the crowd at the outer edges, as so I didn't get trampled in the panic. Suddenly, the loudspeakers went silent. A voice came on, you could feel the fear in his voice, as he quivered on the microphone. "This is an announcement, this is not an ordinary raid... There seems to be evidence of a nuclear payload on board these aircraft... God save us all." and with that, the siren went blaring again.

   If it looked like chaos before, then this was complete anarchy. People were pushing each other over, and doing anything they could to get just an inch closer to the shelter. I looked around in the confusion, and saw groups of people running my way, away from the shelter. As they ran past, I heard their yelling "They closed the shelter, they left us for dead. The Metro is our only chance, run well you can!" they chanted.

   I watched them for a few seconds more before I fully understood what they said. I turned around, and started making my way back towards the closest metro entrance. People were pushing, screaming, crying, and some had just gone completely mad and were fighting. I made my way through the crowds, and I made it to the entrance. Just as I made it past the door, and stepped to the side for a breath, I heard a loud bang, then silence.

   I thought it was the end for a moment, then noticed that everyone was still running down into the metro. I looked out the door, and saw someone down in the crowd holding a gun. He shot someone just to get closer! I turned and ran down the steps of the metro. Soon, I was down at the bottom of the stairwell, in safety at last I hoped.

   I sat down in a corner of the entrance room by myself, thinking of what I had lost. Then suddenly, a voice yelled over all the others. "Attention please,be quiet for but a moment as we have an announcement." the voice went. I looked over, and I couldn't believe my eyes. The military were already down here, and not in small force either. I counted two or three fully armed squads down here, and another seemed to be hauling supplies down the stairs and stockpiling them. Everyone went quiet and looked over.

   The man waited until the entire room went quiet, and waited for him. He turned the megaphone back one, and began yelling into it. "There is no need for alarm, we are here to help. We have closed the bulk doors, and we are opening the air ducts to the air filtration system. We have planned this long in the running, and are here to help you. Have your Identification Cards at the ready. Welcome to your new home." and with that, he shut off the megaphone.

Maxi96203

#1
I.
I.
I.
I.

Try to vary the way you open your paragraphs.

And make them longer.

The characters were bland. You neglected to detail the main character's surrounding environment.

I recommend switching to 3rd person for creative leeway.
ASSHOLE DESCRIPTION FOR PREMIUM™ HGN™ SUBSCRIBERS™ ONLY

Steven :D

So its first person.


D33tly

Thanks, I'm probably gonna re-vise it soon.
Though I'm staying strictly First person for this because I just hate writing in 3rd person.

Knife_cz

Are you sure about the first person? You won't be able to describe all the details n' stuff.
I honestly can't remind myself of any 'successfull' story written in first person.

And what Maxi said about the 'I', that is a good point.


Ragolution

#5
There's a lot of egotism and a lack of transition words (egotism is a joke). Instead of using ". I" try "and" or "then" or even "suddenly"

Transition words are essential to smooth writing and flow in a piece.

This is my interpretation of what Maxi is trying to say.

edit: You inspired me to write a thing

http://www.forums.hypergamer.net/other/spark/